This first paragraph is to rant incoherently about my recent feelings and experiences:-
I feel as though I’m always in a tight squeeze for free time. when uni semesters are in progress the workload takes up 100% of my life. Now i’ve finished my 2nd semester this year, the only exam was long over on Nov 12, but I haven’t had the time to catch my breath and watch any J-dorama or wash my bedroom slippers or anything. Time spent accompanying friends. Time spent researching endlessly on my slow laptop (1GB RAM). Time spent travelling, walking on my stunted legs and ugly shoes (I bought a new pair yesterday but they hurt my feet =( oh well).
This blog post transpired from my sudden irrational need to express my creativity in literature:-
Shall I use pompous , lengthy English or simple language… I used to secretly write short stories in secondary schools. Sweet love stories, fantasy stories, teenage girl stories. I wrote stories with my friends too; fictional versions of ourselves living fantastical otherwordly lives. But the writing stopped long ago. My imagination went into a coma. SPM came and then Architecture. All my literary juice vaporised. My English vocab has deteriorated as well and I’d to rely embarassingly on thefreedictionary.com. But I try to continue reading and learning. Although I read, there’s still billions of titles and authors I’ve not read and never heard of, I’m still very ignorant and childish, preferring not-so-deep books and plots with handsome characters. I miss the fun in literary fantasy, the rush of imagination travelling through the pages, the delightful witty language. I have no idea what to think next, so this paragraph ends here.
This next paragraph is again for ranting:-
In 4 days’ time I’ll be going to Brisbane and Gold Coast over 6 days and then returning home 3 days after that. I have to pack up all my things and move them elsewhere before I leave. When I come back in January for *cursed* summer course, I also have to thoroughly clean my house and have it inspected before I well and truly vacate it on 1 Feb. Then I’ll move into a fabulous new home with Lih Jiunn on 27 Feb. Please please please 南無大悲觀世音 let us live happily together in a good room.
by the way, anyone knows a good cure to moodiness other than KAT-TUN’s Will Be All Right and chocolate? I can’t seem to enjoy anything properly and give the impression that I’m bored all the time, which is 50% true but I’m too polite to say. Sometimes time spent with friends is more valuable than time packing up my billion trillion miscellanous things in my overstuffed house. idk. i’m even gonna watch a phenomenally frightening movie tonight, feel apprehensive about it. dunno how i’ll cope goin home, sleeping alone, goin to brisbane later, goin so many places travelling quite alone, if my mind is gonna be corrupted with ghosts, demons… :p
talkingabout not having enough time…who ask me to want to do so many things anyway? i could’ve chosen not to go for all those things… but like i said… time spent with friends… idk, i’d like to think of myself as very loyal to friends and willing to do anything for the sake of their happiness, like my dad who rather accompany his friends for drinks and golf although he doesn’t drink and doesn’t play golf. yet i catch myself being rather selfish at times. idk, i’m a person of many contradictions. perhaps it’s an inherent nature of being female. perhaps i’m wrong.
information from reading somewhere:-
Most people care about themselves alot more than other people do, so they don’t spend alot of time noticing other people, they only notice themselves. Believing that, it’s convenient for me not bothering to get pretty stuff, dress well, etc since no one’s gonna notice anyway.This same thinking is quite depressing, coz on the rare occasions I do dress up, no one notices all the same, or I imagine that no one does. Like I said, I’m a person of contradictions. Sometimes I think I’m pretty, sometimes I think I’m disgusting. The socially acceptable solution would be to strive for more confidence and smile more often, resulting in ‘feel pretty’ times outnumbering ‘feel ugly’ times. Yes, I am revealing a very nerdy side of me to analyse my thoughts like that. I’ve decided that honesty is fun, after watching ‘invention of lying’, a very lame movie.
I’d like to confess I feel hurt when people think I’m immature, coz I hadn’t had enough fun when I’m legitimately immature (ie young) and now when I’m supposed to be mature I fail at it. * / . \ * The word ‘mature’ links to my studies and career, therefore giving me alot of stress and unhappiness. I’ve had a rough semester and seems to always spend the first 90% of the process doing all the wrong things and even now I feel as though the first 90% of the time spent working on anything (even shopping) is a complete and utter waste of time. Something’s definitely wrong… no one can be that ineffecient right? But I’m killing myself overstaying every night trying my best to perform all my ridiculous tasks. idk how else. *reaches for more chocolate*
how does being lonely feel like, is it when you have some trouble but no one to share it with?
when you want to rant to someone but the phone connection (on many occasions) decides to fizzle and die?
when you want to rant to someone but the someone rants back to you with problems 10 times worse than yours?
when you want to rant to someone but you love the someone too much to burden the someone with your puny, unimportant troubles?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to create your sudden sympathy or self-pity upon reading all that. My words just came out. Like I said, I had a sudden literary creative urge. Just like my creative urges to doodle all over the nearest available piece of paper. [ok another rant coming...] I really love drawing and yet have the biggest fear of showing my drawings to other people. coz I’ve always thought that they were beautiful and yet when I finally had the courage to show to someone they remarked in disgust ‘what’s that?’ … or when they recognize who I’m drawing and tell me my version is horrendously ugly. every time i covered an entire sheet with doodles, i tear it up into many pieces and throw them away, convinced that what i’ve drawn is poisonous to look at. sometimes i keep my drawings when i feel vain, but those that i keep are only 20% of what i’ve actually drawn. when i look back at those drawings i feel disgusted.
the purpose of writing a length post with many negative attributions is to expel my negative emotions in hope of feeling better afterwards. after all, this is my blog and i am entitled to write whatever i please. (contradictory thought: there i go again being selfish)
i hope i have the courage to click ‘publish’ after this. i’ve never once mentioned any of the things above to anyone. … well .. honesty might be fun :\
