Finally we will be together again. I can’t wait 🙂

I know I should speak to Jia Jinn directly, but it is my habit to write things down in an essay first. I know he will struggle to read this as his English is not good, and he will feel brokenhearted when he finishes reading this. I don’t know when is a good time to bring this up in our phone conversations.

I have never been in an actual reciprocal relationship until this year, with him. He is my first boyfriend. Now I am in a long-distance relationship with him because I want to continue staying in Melbourne, pursing my registration as an architect, and he wants to pursue his new career in patisserie and bread baking by attending a course in China and then working in Malaysia. So it is also the first time I am in a long-distance relationship. We seldom see each other in real-time due to the lack of stable internet connection. We only talk on the phone and summarise the day’s events, thoughts and feelings in one phone call. The exhilaration of being touched, hugged, kissed, loved, are all missing from both our lives as we are physically apart. His attentive care towards me by cooking for me, massaging me, accompanying me, etc are all absent as he isn’t physically with me.

It has now been 3 full months that we are apart. We had only dated for less than 2 months but started calling each other husband and wife. While I honestly felt loving feelings towards him when texting or chatting with him, at other times I felt nothing and carried on my daily life just like how I was when I am single.

At times I could not believe how I can call him “husband” – do I really feel that close to him? Do I really want to marry him? Am I honestly compatible with him? I can’t even share my immediate thoughts, knowledge and experiences with him without first translating word for word into the simple Mandarin that I know, since my Mandarin is not good, and that takes away some of the passion I have for communication, and of course communication is the most important part of a relationship. So that makes me worried.

I also can’t tell jokes or discuss ideas that he probably won’t understand because he is not from an architectural background, he had a different childhood and educational background, he doesn’t speak the same dialect and by the time I explain a joke it isn’t funny anymore. I guess the same goes for him as he can’t share his thoughts with me that makes sense in Cantonese because my Cantonese is abysmal.

I also feel worried every time I imagine how my parents will react upon finding out who he is and what he does. Although he is just starting out in his newly chosen career path, with noble intentions of spreading his ideology and passion for healthy eating and teaching older folks what he knows, other people may see him as being poor and unremarkable and look down on him, and wonder why I am with him. The fact that my close friends judged him in such a negative light made me feel doubtful about him and also slightly upset with those friends. I feel very grateful my brother is accepting of him and never questioned me.

Also… being cooped up at home and always rushing to complete my registration and work commitments I rarely ever meet anyone new and my social circle is extremely small. The only free time I am willing to give is all spent on phone calls with him. I wonder if I had rejected his advances in the first place and had not gone into a relationship with him at all, if I went for my own chosen social activities, would I have met someone else better than him, more suitable for me, someone I liked even more?

What do I like about Jia Jinn? He liked me a lot more than I like him back, so I feel safe and relaxed. I like how I don’t need to work hard to earn his interest, his loyalty, his love. I like his kindness and gentleness, his attentiveness and protective care, so rare in most boyfriends and husbands of others I see. I like his polite, unassuming nature of dealing with things and calmly sorting out my problems and never once scolding or judging me. I like his maturity and I trust that he knows better than I do and can see further into the future than I can. I like his unwavering support and love for me always saying corny things like nothing is more beautiful than you, my wife is the best..

I don’t like how he is not as sharp as I’d like him to be. As he does not have the same skill sets as I do, he does things differently and could be slower than I am in some things. He is also forgetful and less analytical so sometimes I am not impressed with how he does things and the quality of conversations we have. Most of the time I end up feeling comfortable, and relaxed but also a little bored and tired. I want to feel more inspired and passionate.

I like his attitude towards health and wellness. He suggested that I do 100 squats a day. I am doing that and I feel awesome. He is always so supportive, gentle and endearing, I could not be nasty and not return his love. I feel that I am very bad for hiding these doubts from him. I feel bad for sometimes wishing I am single and free to date anyone else, just to know the rest of the world. I know we had wonderful moments together but now I reminisce less about it, and I feel bad for not feeling in love with him as much as he is in love with me.

So these are my doubts at the moment. Hopefully our relationship improves when we are physically together again. I am not saying I am unhappy, I am only worried. Life is too short to be worrying all the time, so I should probably stop worrying so much and just enjoy the present moment.

I thought I was only at the beginning of a normal flu cycle where I would get a fever and sore throat, followed by runny nose, cough and then recover. This time, the sore throat phase continued for about 4 days and on the 4th day I started having fever. I was dripping liquid propolis directly into my mouth but had no relief. I went to the pharmacist to get lozenges for my throat but the next day they still don’t work, so I finally called in sick.

Turns out my throat was severely laden with pus, that explained why it was painful to swallow anything, even my own saliva. The doctor told me I would need at least 6 days off work and come back to see him on the 6th day. I went to the pharmacist (who told me it is called tonsillitis) to get his prescribed antibiotics and then to the health store to get olive leaf extract, manuka honey and Himalaya salt.

Fast forward to the 4th day since seeing the doctor, my fever has subsided and I can swallow food and liquid without pain. I could get up and run but can’t be bothered. The monstrous disgusting whitish stuff deep in on both sides of my mouth have grown much smaller too. Yay for speedy recovery!

Jia Jinn advised me to cut away the yellow bits of a lemon and eat the rest directly. Luckily the landlady gave me her homegrown ones. They work really well. Also I learnt that Nashi pears are good for sore throats.

~ ^_^ ~ happy to be feeling well again so soon

Recently I read this article by David Brooks, shared on fb. It is incredibly heartwarming and beautiful. It had so many quotes that appealed to me.

On commitment.. people of character are defined by how deeply rooted they are…”In the realm of action, she is committed to tasks that can’t be completed in a single lifetime” I secretly wished to impact the world on a very large scale. Before I die, I want to inspire everyone I meet to live healthier, happier, and treat the Earth a little kinder. I want to clean up the world’s rubbish and make recycling more profitable. I want to help alleviate the hunger, sadness and pain in the world. …. I also want to have a pizza and snuggle in bed and watch a comedy. I am so lazy. Back to the article..

” suffering introduces you to yourself and reminds you that you are not the person you thought you were.”  I should have known from literally crying for the whole of last year that I was in totally the wrong relationship. It had to stop. I am glad I walked out of that dark path now.

“the stumbler looks out at a picnic or dinner or a valley and is overwhelmed by a feeling of limitless gratitude, and an acceptance of the fact that life has treated her much better than she deserves.” For me it is being adored and washed with enormous gratitude and love from my man, my beloved current boyfriend. Never have I imagined I would be so loved and wanted, by such a nice and kind man. I wish I can see and hug him whenever I want, be with him as long as possible. He always says there is plenty of time in the future when we are finally together.

He sang Richard Marx’s Now and Forever to me, now it has become his song that I put on repeat. He said it expressed his feelings for me. I feel his gentleness and his yearning from this song that he sang to me. He is my miracle in my life.

我爱你 🙂

I never thought I’d be crying again so soon, but I actually do miss him. This morning I dreamt that we blended some fruit juice together and I was offering him to take a sip, and before his lips touched the glass I woke up, realising he is overseas and somehow maybe there is technology to allow us to taste the same thing.. no, it is impossible. No, he isn’t here with me. Then I opened my eyes and saw my bedroom door, and immediately a memory came to my mind, of him opening that door with a smile, walking in quietly to wake me up. I would cuddle him in my bed and we each wish we could lie in bed a little longer. It was then with a pain in my heart I realised so this is how it hurts to have a long-distance relationship.

Later on tonight I told him on the phone about the dream and broke down. I tried to talk normally between the tears. I hope he didn’t notice. I love the way he keeps making me laugh. He also feels incredibly sad to not have me around, he misses me more than I miss him. It has always been like this from the start, he insisted he loves me more than I love him. Whenever I said, ‘ah, 好幸福.’ he would say ‘我更幸福‘… He treats me so incredibly well and good-naturedly accepts all my flaws and ugliness, even my worst secrets and mistakes. He always says, 我不对你好,对谁好。Always grabs my handbag and won’t let me do dishes, cook, or any of those things. He does it all and carried me on his back when the dogs in the backyard were biting me. He was 100% best househusband ever, the most caring and understanding to me, treats me like his entire world. He said for the first time since his mother passed away, he did not feel guilty for feeling happy, when he fell for me. He felt like it was right for him to love me. I just feel incredibly lucky that someone so nice came into my life and loved me more than I love myself. He is so mature and kind and subtly knowledgable about many things, like how miraculous propolis works on my throat when I have the flu, like which acupoints to massage, a whole heap of wellbeing and nutrition knowledge I can’t wait to hear more about. I can’t believe how lucky we both are, to have met each other.

Although we are apart now, our hearts are together. We will meet again soon.Can’t wait 🙂 Love you. Love love love love love you.

last year was a disaster, i was going into pieces, tearing my heart out in sadness and stress and worry. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. For without going through the pain with Ivan, I would not have gone on to speak to another friend for help, now he is tremendously helpful for the jobs and everything, I also helped bring more work to him. I would not have moved to this new place and I would not have met ……. potentially the love of my life. This guy, he is amazing. He is “best husband material”, best ever companion, the most loving and kind, he is not afraid to show enormous passion and care in public, he is so wise and mature and caring and knowledgeable. I wish I can say I love him as much as he says it to me. He is extremely genuine and nice and he kept saying no pressure on me, he just wants me to be happy, and if I happen to meet another guy, he is glad to have spent this time with me anyway. He gave me my first Valentine’s gift, tau foo fah ( also fah – flower) … my first bouquet of flowers… lots of firsts with this guy and he, compared to Ivan, was like the sky and the ground, as different as night and day. I don’t know for sure if we work out well, but I trust him completely to build himself up and be successful in his chosen path. i am so happy right now. last year was a blessing in disguise and the rewards are coming this year. It’s gonna be awesome 🙂

with a male friend (last time with “that stalker” not counted). He saw me dressed in the most boring outfit ever with no makeup on, praying and for over 2 hours too. And the prayer ends at 1am, he has to get up for work 5am next day, I told him repeatedly you don’t have to accompany me, if you are tired, and he insisted. I asked, why are you so nice to me, he said this question is too hard to answer. Hmm?…

just feel like recording my first ever experience being cared for by a male friend. I want to fall in love in him and I can’t, because he will be leaving the country soon. He fed me whilst I was driving and wiped my mouth like I’m an invalid, he joked. He made me laugh so hard on so many occasions. He is 9 years older than me, naturally his thinking is a lot more mature, yet we share similar thoughts and philosophies on life, and more importantly, he is very health conscious, and taught me to live healthier. He is just wonderful to be around with. Wish we could spend more time together, don’t know how will it end up, but I sure am grateful for this person in my life right now.

It is just a whirlwind of funny and crazy happenings lately. I moved house and within a week two guys showed some interest in me. I mean, I am in my pyjamas and terrible eyebags at home. How could some stranger, not even knowing me that well, … it’s just weird. I hardly even see them. Early mornings and late nights. I am still as busy as ever. Haha. Can’t believe it though amidst the chaos I found a bit of happiness.

I have been carrying an unbelievably heavy burden the past few weeks. I want to cry out but there is no energy left in me. I can’t believe how incredibly crazy it has been, how very amazingly difficult one person has been to me, and how unbelievably stupid I am. I have made the craziest, most expensive mistake of my life so far. More than $10,000.

I have fallen in love with a monster of a guy. For the past 3 years it has been up and down, sometimes I am in cloud 9, but most of the time I am in deep pits of hell always crying alone. I don’t want to tell anyone because I was afraid they will judge him wrongly, for I have seen his good side and trusted him.

I have, now, incredibly, promised his clients I will pay for his mistakes. $10,000 or more. I am skimping, cancelling holidays, moving to a cheaper place to rent, not going to buy luxurious foods anymore, and try to get more private jobs. I need to save as much as I can to replace the money I am now stealing from my parents, because all that money is not mine. I can’t back away and pretend I don’t know anything. I can’t say no. I can’t step out of it and leave it all up to them. I didn’t think of being selfish and protecting myself. All I wanted to do was to pretend I am a professional, do a good job, leave a good impression, save face. All I wanted from him was just to let me know what he is thinking, how is he doing, if he needed my help. This bastard fucktard of a guy, has a mental problem. He shuts off everybody. He does not reply to any messages or calls, he treats everybody as if they don’t exist. When I first met him I thought it was because some people made mistakes and he was angry. Now I know. For urgent things, house going into foreclosure, building construction works being stopped, friend’s job he promised.. all of those things he never even answered his buddy’s calls, why would he answer mine? He is … I don’t know. I hate him now, and I know it is a punishment for being so naive and stupid. Maybe I have seriously did something wrong to him in my past life. I must have. He is giving me all the darkness in my life. I have never been so stressed and sad over one single human being, when I spent a whole good chunk of last year just crying alone. I have never been so lost. I thought it was my fault.

He did many, many good things. He gave me my first kiss. My first spooning. Taught me what to do with a lover. Helped me out countless of times in work and my property. Never even thought twice about swallowing asbestos whilst working there, knowing full well it is dangerous and never charging me for his labour. Taught me how to eat healthily, inspired me to be bolder and think outside the box. Introduced me to a whole world of self development, seminars, meetups, confidence. In his good form, he was top. He was until maybe he got lazy or stoned too much. I thought he was amazing to survive so many personal tragedies all through childhood and countless dramas with ex girlfriends. I should have known, with that many girls being his victims, I won’t be spared. How he treated people, eventually I’ll be treated the same. I thought my kindness could save him, but I was only hurting myself.

I know, if you happen to read this, you would slap me wanting me to wake the fuck up and leave this guy forever. Yes I already never wanted to see him again. You are probably thinking also, how dare this guy fuck my life up so badly, he must be the worst human being ever. No, there are plenty of evil people out there, like politicians who hold entire nations’ welfare in his hands and chose personal luxury over millions of hungry voices. Big corporations who chose personal profit over screwing the world over with bad nutrition and pollution. The more of the world you affect, the bigger your karma.

Thanks to this guy I am a lot more mature and I know living hell. Maybe the next won’t be as bad. Maybe there won’t be a next, because maybe my destiny is to fail in love due to some terrible punishment for me. I don’t know. All I want to do is to be good and spread some good around. No all I want now is to be able to sleep soundly without worrying like crazy and feeling sad and anxious and stressed all at the same time, and with tons of work to do. I hate my current situation, but I am to blame.

Please help me…. whoever is out there…. higher spiritual intelligence… I never trusted prayers and believed things will happen if they are meant to happen, not because I asked for it… maybe it is time to change my belief and ask for more good things to come and help me out… I don’t want to be so miserable anymore… please…

Ever since I failed an English subject in uni (which is impossible because English is one of my strongest subject) I started a secret blog. I poured all my toxic, miserable rants in there. No one knew about it, not a single soul. Tonight’s post would have gone in there too, but I guess it is time, I rant out properly “in the public”. I felt like posting on facebook everyday, “help me…” I’d choke up and cancel it, because what good would it do. I know my problem is so tiny compared to everyone else. Everyone’s got loads of worries, everyone’s got their own problems. I still have money, food, shelter, clothes. I still have plenty of very loving friends. I still have lots of good stuff and yet I chose to cry over one single thing. How stupid. And then I cry because I hate myself. I rarely felt that I am good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, I know I am far from being healthy. The whole of last year I cried so much I must have seriously hurt my insides. It’s so funny, having a good time with my lovely housemates or on a short holiday and then returning to enormous waves of isolation, sadness, stress, dont know how to help myself, dont know who to call and bother them about myself. lots of people offered, if you need help just call me, if you need me i am always here, and i dont want to bother them at all. and i cant tell my mother obviously. and my brother, the closest person to me in the whole world… there’s just too much darkness for me to open up. i have been carrying around this huge weight of crazy sadness stress for so long.

but it’s okay. lots of good things are already happening, my friends are incredibly encouraging. i keep meeting lovely people. my workplace is nice, my boss is pretty good. im all right, i’m gonna be okay, this year is gonna be heaps better than last. i’ll be okay.

I realised long ago during my first internship at 19 years old, for that month in my dad’s friend’s office, that working life is so meaningless. My brain went haywire just brooding over the simplest of matters, because there wasn’t anything else to fill it with. When I resumed my studies after the holiday work, the immense challenges in studio and various subjects took up all my time and energy and I had an inexplicable drive to face challenges and strive till the end. Architecture school was torturing but also a fuel of energy because the passion we all share starts in there. My friends, my studio mates, were an integral part of the experience.

 

Now that I’m working full time, 7 years later, everything is meaningless again. My brain just wandered from one little problem to another. There isn’t anything more challenging or engaging to fill the void. Plus, my friends that I used to be close with all these years are slowly diminishing in numbers, everyone’s everywhere. 

 

Just thinking out loud, that when working, my mind gets really retarded. This is wrong, because my job is supposed to be the most fulfilling thing that I do, as it is the thing that I spend the most time in, the most energy, the most attention… if it is not meaningful to me, I must do something else. I don’t know what though. From my studies, I realised that environmental sustainability is vitally important to me, yet I don’t know where to start in that field. The building industry is such a wasteful industry, harvesting and polluting the earth like there’s no tomorrow, and rich clients spilling marble and silly ornaments and stuff piss me off. Sharp glass and cold concrete doing no good to human comfort piss me off. Wacky architecture with no good function and confusing users piss me off. I wonder what can I do to improve? What should I focus on? 

 

mashimaro

mashi

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