Ever since I have returned to my home country and started living with my parents again after having absolute freedom for 9 years overseas, I have retreated into a closed shell with hardly any social interaction apart from joining my mom’s religious activities and meeting up with my high school friends every few months.

Desperate for attention and company, I was projecting my hopes and dreams on a guy a friend introduced to me for the first few months only to be rejected by text saying he isn’t interested in me in “that way”. I immediately started using Tinder then.

The first match, I had an hour-long conversation with a stranger that got nowhere because he was looking for a friend with benefits and not a girlfriend. After a few more matches I started talking to a person who seemed harmless – a postgraduate student with a nerdy description of himself. He was the first one I met up with. Till today he’s still the only one I’ve actually met in person.

I’ve stuck with him for 4 months plus despite close friends yelling at me not to go too deep with him. The main obvious objection was religion. I’d have to convert to his. Plus his daily life and surroundings are drastically different from mine. I know from the start I can only adapt to him for short term, not long term. My friend woke me up with this question, “Are you playing with his heart? Why are you so evil?” All this while I enjoy him showering me with attention and care and meeting up easily because we work nearby each other. I feel guilty every time knowing I can’t commit to this relationship, then I feel self-pity for getting myself stuck in this relationship because I can’t shake off my feelings for him.

He is a wonderful person who deserves someone much better than me.
Lately we hardly see or text each other.

I tried to stop many times, citing our religious differences. He did say I can go and date other guys. We just haven’t actually totally stopped, I’m waiting for us to finally meet – and I’ve to fight my feelings to tell him we’re finally over.

In the meantime, I’ve had a few more short conversations with strangers again, all ending nowhere. I feel tired to have invested time and feelings here and there all for nothing, and sorry to the guys who have done the same for me.

The revelation I had today was this:-

I was so desperate to find a guy, because I was hoping that a guy would finally make me happy forever.

Isn’t that stupid? Isn’t that unfair?
It’s downright impossible.

My mom had a deep cut on her finger yesterday. The flesh almost fell out. She fought tears although it’s one of the worst pain she’d ever experienced. She simply bandaged it, took 2 panadol, then did her art homework, went for class and even went to pasar malam to buy fruits. She only told me about it when she saw me at home. She still managed to laugh at the end of the day when shooing me away from the bathroom because I wanted to help her with hand-oriented tasks and she wanted to strip to shower. My dad was nowhere in the picture, she probably never even told him at all. I’m trying to say that I cannot depend on one man for my well-being and happiness. Anything can happen, I have to be independent.

I always feel like I’m the youngest, most inexperienced person in the room/the group. I am biologically 30 years old but I always behave and think like I’m a teenager or in my early 20’s. I always think I don’t know anything and shouldn’t be trusted with any leadership role because I’ll fuck it up.

But then I worry about worldly things like environmental pollution, animal welfare, famine, disaster-stricken people, the sick, the poor, the ignorant, the misjudged, the discriminated, the orphaned, the disabled, the unhappy, the animals, the plants, the lonely spirits, etc. I secretly wish I could participate in the UN influencing the future of education. To raise the younger generation with acute sensitivity of environmental sustainability, nutrition-food sustainability and loving kindness.

Trained as an architect, I have no idea where to start in making this secret dream come true. I tell everyone my current goal is to get registered as an architect in Malaysia but I dread the long working hours and difficult studying I have to go through. Which in the end may bring me to the corporate path of property development or quietly doing small businesses. Which doesn’t achieve the goal that I want.

Whatever will be will be lah. I’ve decided that this year instead of focusing on “things I should be doing to be productive” I’m just going to set goals to make myself happy like learning Japanese, scuba diving, dancing and getting in good shape! Yeah!!


I have since broken up with JJ, one of the most endearing, caring, gentle, kind-hearted and sincere guy who has ever loved me. He has given me 2 years of pure romantic bliss and comforting companionship, endless support, countless back massages, nutritious cooking, fulfilled all my dreams of having a boyfriend at last, heard me out on all my work and private troubles, gave me invaluable advice and insights and saved me from many crazy troubles I’ve put myself into, showed me by example how to be mature and responsible, and surprised me so many times with very touching gestures… We have been through a very eventful journey together, surviving many chaotic troubles and rough circumstances, and ended it on a bittersweet flight back home to Malaysia, mutually agreeing to end the relationship the moment the plane touches down. We met up once after that, confirming that there is no more happening between us and it will be unlikely for us to meet again.

It has been 3 months since we came back together, the breaking up. It felt like 6 months to me, it seemed to happen so long ago. I have since started working for my own family’s connections and being my mother’s constant companion and occasionally meeting up with my secondary school friends. I have started to be interested in a new guy, even before I broke up with JJ. He was partly the reason I decided to break up, making me realise I do not feel secure or satisfied enough with JJ. In actual fact most people straightaway assume we won’t work out because of the enormous differences in education, family background and age. Anyway the new guy now seemed to have lost interest in me. At first I was disappointed. Now I am nonchalant about it. I now have a crush on my colleague who is a pleasant, unassuming, helpful, gentle, dependent, resourceful person who happens to have a great interest in Buddhism and we had a few interesting chats. It is quite rare to meet someone like this! It is only a crush though. I have not met privately with him or anything outside work. So far. It is tricky also, as the “new guy” that I was seeing, is actually one of my close friend’s family. She hoped that we can work out. I don’t know how to please that guy and make him interested again, I don’t want to come across as trying too hard and scaring him away.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but what I know is my heart is full of yearning for love, it is so empty. I am afraid of falling in love too fast and in the wrong direction. I don’t want to upset anybody. I just want to have someone I can talk to comfortably and get inspired and live a meaningful life together. I don’t want someone who makes me feel ugly, stupid, careless, boring, useless and desperate.

I believe I have the courage and wisdom to live a happy, meaningful life without falling into the depths of meaningless self-pity and making too many mistakes. I hope.

Finally we will be together again. I can’t wait 🙂

I know I should speak to Jia Jinn directly, but it is my habit to write things down in an essay first. I know he will struggle to read this as his English is not good, and he will feel brokenhearted when he finishes reading this. I don’t know when is a good time to bring this up in our phone conversations.

I have never been in an actual reciprocal relationship until this year, with him. He is my first boyfriend. Now I am in a long-distance relationship with him because I want to continue staying in Melbourne, pursing my registration as an architect, and he wants to pursue his new career in patisserie and bread baking by attending a course in China and then working in Malaysia. So it is also the first time I am in a long-distance relationship. We seldom see each other in real-time due to the lack of stable internet connection. We only talk on the phone and summarise the day’s events, thoughts and feelings in one phone call. The exhilaration of being touched, hugged, kissed, loved, are all missing from both our lives as we are physically apart. His attentive care towards me by cooking for me, massaging me, accompanying me, etc are all absent as he isn’t physically with me.

It has now been 3 full months that we are apart. We had only dated for less than 2 months but started calling each other husband and wife. While I honestly felt loving feelings towards him when texting or chatting with him, at other times I felt nothing and carried on my daily life just like how I was when I am single.

At times I could not believe how I can call him “husband” – do I really feel that close to him? Do I really want to marry him? Am I honestly compatible with him? I can’t even share my immediate thoughts, knowledge and experiences with him without first translating word for word into the simple Mandarin that I know, since my Mandarin is not good, and that takes away some of the passion I have for communication, and of course communication is the most important part of a relationship. So that makes me worried.

I also can’t tell jokes or discuss ideas that he probably won’t understand because he is not from an architectural background, he had a different childhood and educational background, he doesn’t speak the same dialect and by the time I explain a joke it isn’t funny anymore. I guess the same goes for him as he can’t share his thoughts with me that makes sense in Cantonese because my Cantonese is abysmal.

I also feel worried every time I imagine how my parents will react upon finding out who he is and what he does. Although he is just starting out in his newly chosen career path, with noble intentions of spreading his ideology and passion for healthy eating and teaching older folks what he knows, other people may see him as being poor and unremarkable and look down on him, and wonder why I am with him. The fact that my close friends judged him in such a negative light made me feel doubtful about him and also slightly upset with those friends. I feel very grateful my brother is accepting of him and never questioned me.

Also… being cooped up at home and always rushing to complete my registration and work commitments I rarely ever meet anyone new and my social circle is extremely small. The only free time I am willing to give is all spent on phone calls with him. I wonder if I had rejected his advances in the first place and had not gone into a relationship with him at all, if I went for my own chosen social activities, would I have met someone else better than him, more suitable for me, someone I liked even more?

What do I like about Jia Jinn? He liked me a lot more than I like him back, so I feel safe and relaxed. I like how I don’t need to work hard to earn his interest, his loyalty, his love. I like his kindness and gentleness, his attentiveness and protective care, so rare in most boyfriends and husbands of others I see. I like his polite, unassuming nature of dealing with things and calmly sorting out my problems and never once scolding or judging me. I like his maturity and I trust that he knows better than I do and can see further into the future than I can. I like his unwavering support and love for me always saying corny things like nothing is more beautiful than you, my wife is the best..

I don’t like how he is not as sharp as I’d like him to be. As he does not have the same skill sets as I do, he does things differently and could be slower than I am in some things. He is also forgetful and less analytical so sometimes I am not impressed with how he does things and the quality of conversations we have. Most of the time I end up feeling comfortable, and relaxed but also a little bored and tired. I want to feel more inspired and passionate.

I like his attitude towards health and wellness. He suggested that I do 100 squats a day. I am doing that and I feel awesome. He is always so supportive, gentle and endearing, I could not be nasty and not return his love. I feel that I am very bad for hiding these doubts from him. I feel bad for sometimes wishing I am single and free to date anyone else, just to know the rest of the world. I know we had wonderful moments together but now I reminisce less about it, and I feel bad for not feeling in love with him as much as he is in love with me.

So these are my doubts at the moment. Hopefully our relationship improves when we are physically together again. I am not saying I am unhappy, I am only worried. Life is too short to be worrying all the time, so I should probably stop worrying so much and just enjoy the present moment.

I thought I was only at the beginning of a normal flu cycle where I would get a fever and sore throat, followed by runny nose, cough and then recover. This time, the sore throat phase continued for about 4 days and on the 4th day I started having fever. I was dripping liquid propolis directly into my mouth but had no relief. I went to the pharmacist to get lozenges for my throat but the next day they still don’t work, so I finally called in sick.

Turns out my throat was severely laden with pus, that explained why it was painful to swallow anything, even my own saliva. The doctor told me I would need at least 6 days off work and come back to see him on the 6th day. I went to the pharmacist (who told me it is called tonsillitis) to get his prescribed antibiotics and then to the health store to get olive leaf extract, manuka honey and Himalaya salt.

Fast forward to the 4th day since seeing the doctor, my fever has subsided and I can swallow food and liquid without pain. I could get up and run but can’t be bothered. The monstrous disgusting whitish stuff deep in on both sides of my mouth have grown much smaller too. Yay for speedy recovery!

Jia Jinn advised me to cut away the yellow bits of a lemon and eat the rest directly. Luckily the landlady gave me her homegrown ones. They work really well. Also I learnt that Nashi pears are good for sore throats.

~ ^_^ ~ happy to be feeling well again so soon

Recently I read this article by David Brooks, shared on fb. It is incredibly heartwarming and beautiful. It had so many quotes that appealed to me.

On commitment.. people of character are defined by how deeply rooted they are…”In the realm of action, she is committed to tasks that can’t be completed in a single lifetime” I secretly wished to impact the world on a very large scale. Before I die, I want to inspire everyone I meet to live healthier, happier, and treat the Earth a little kinder. I want to clean up the world’s rubbish and make recycling more profitable. I want to help alleviate the hunger, sadness and pain in the world. …. I also want to have a pizza and snuggle in bed and watch a comedy. I am so lazy. Back to the article..

” suffering introduces you to yourself and reminds you that you are not the person you thought you were.”  I should have known from literally crying for the whole of last year that I was in totally the wrong relationship. It had to stop. I am glad I walked out of that dark path now.

“the stumbler looks out at a picnic or dinner or a valley and is overwhelmed by a feeling of limitless gratitude, and an acceptance of the fact that life has treated her much better than she deserves.” For me it is being adored and washed with enormous gratitude and love from my man, my beloved current boyfriend. Never have I imagined I would be so loved and wanted, by such a nice and kind man. I wish I can see and hug him whenever I want, be with him as long as possible. He always says there is plenty of time in the future when we are finally together.

He sang Richard Marx’s Now and Forever to me, now it has become his song that I put on repeat. He said it expressed his feelings for me. I feel his gentleness and his yearning from this song that he sang to me. He is my miracle in my life.

我爱你 🙂

I never thought I’d be crying again so soon, but I actually do miss him. This morning I dreamt that we blended some fruit juice together and I was offering him to take a sip, and before his lips touched the glass I woke up, realising he is overseas and somehow maybe there is technology to allow us to taste the same thing.. no, it is impossible. No, he isn’t here with me. Then I opened my eyes and saw my bedroom door, and immediately a memory came to my mind, of him opening that door with a smile, walking in quietly to wake me up. I would cuddle him in my bed and we each wish we could lie in bed a little longer. It was then with a pain in my heart I realised so this is how it hurts to have a long-distance relationship.

Later on tonight I told him on the phone about the dream and broke down. I tried to talk normally between the tears. I hope he didn’t notice. I love the way he keeps making me laugh. He also feels incredibly sad to not have me around, he misses me more than I miss him. It has always been like this from the start, he insisted he loves me more than I love him. Whenever I said, ‘ah, 好幸福.’ he would say ‘我更幸福‘… He treats me so incredibly well and good-naturedly accepts all my flaws and ugliness, even my worst secrets and mistakes. He always says, 我不对你好,对谁好。Always grabs my handbag and won’t let me do dishes, cook, or any of those things. He does it all and carried me on his back when the dogs in the backyard were biting me. He was 100% best househusband ever, the most caring and understanding to me, treats me like his entire world. He said for the first time since his mother passed away, he did not feel guilty for feeling happy, when he fell for me. He felt like it was right for him to love me. I just feel incredibly lucky that someone so nice came into my life and loved me more than I love myself. He is so mature and kind and subtly knowledgable about many things, like how miraculous propolis works on my throat when I have the flu, like which acupoints to massage, a whole heap of wellbeing and nutrition knowledge I can’t wait to hear more about. I can’t believe how lucky we both are, to have met each other.

Although we are apart now, our hearts are together. We will meet again soon.Can’t wait 🙂 Love you. Love love love love love you.

last year was a disaster, i was going into pieces, tearing my heart out in sadness and stress and worry. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. For without going through the pain with Ivan, I would not have gone on to speak to another friend for help, now he is tremendously helpful for the jobs and everything, I also helped bring more work to him. I would not have moved to this new place and I would not have met ……. potentially the love of my life. This guy, he is amazing. He is “best husband material”, best ever companion, the most loving and kind, he is not afraid to show enormous passion and care in public, he is so wise and mature and caring and knowledgeable. I wish I can say I love him as much as he says it to me. He is extremely genuine and nice and he kept saying no pressure on me, he just wants me to be happy, and if I happen to meet another guy, he is glad to have spent this time with me anyway. He gave me my first Valentine’s gift, tau foo fah ( also fah – flower) … my first bouquet of flowers… lots of firsts with this guy and he, compared to Ivan, was like the sky and the ground, as different as night and day. I don’t know for sure if we work out well, but I trust him completely to build himself up and be successful in his chosen path. i am so happy right now. last year was a blessing in disguise and the rewards are coming this year. It’s gonna be awesome 🙂

with a male friend (last time with “that stalker” not counted). He saw me dressed in the most boring outfit ever with no makeup on, praying and for over 2 hours too. And the prayer ends at 1am, he has to get up for work 5am next day, I told him repeatedly you don’t have to accompany me, if you are tired, and he insisted. I asked, why are you so nice to me, he said this question is too hard to answer. Hmm?…

just feel like recording my first ever experience being cared for by a male friend. I want to fall in love in him and I can’t, because he will be leaving the country soon. He fed me whilst I was driving and wiped my mouth like I’m an invalid, he joked. He made me laugh so hard on so many occasions. He is 9 years older than me, naturally his thinking is a lot more mature, yet we share similar thoughts and philosophies on life, and more importantly, he is very health conscious, and taught me to live healthier. He is just wonderful to be around with. Wish we could spend more time together, don’t know how will it end up, but I sure am grateful for this person in my life right now.

It is just a whirlwind of funny and crazy happenings lately. I moved house and within a week two guys showed some interest in me. I mean, I am in my pyjamas and terrible eyebags at home. How could some stranger, not even knowing me that well, … it’s just weird. I hardly even see them. Early mornings and late nights. I am still as busy as ever. Haha. Can’t believe it though amidst the chaos I found a bit of happiness.



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